The Other Side to Christmas

Most years Christmas is full of joy and reunions, smile and cheers.

This Christmas has been a little different. The joy has been taken from so many in the last month. This week it finally got to me.

It started a month or so ago when Todd lost his grandfather. I was strong for the most part, cried a bitat the funeral, was supportive as much as I could be for the family. This Christmas they are missing their grandfather, father, brother, friend.

Then a sudden trend began around me in the last 2 weeks. My sister's best friend's father dies in his sleep unexpectedly. Our office manager's younger brother dies in a car accident during a snow storm. One of our nurse's nephews falls of a roof he was doing work on and dies.

These were all very upsetting. We cancelled our office Christmas party. The Jellison's mood wasn't so Christmassy at their recent Christmas celebration.

But then my Church experienced something that has shook so many and was the final straw for me. A young 22-23 year old girl who was involved with the Church and was performing in the annual Christmas presentation fell from a height of 20 some feet in front of hundreds of people while flying across the Church as a wise man. After many perfected practices and rehearsals this opening night production would be different. This girl, Keri, would fall and die and affect the Church forever.

And that's when I started wondering "How could God let this happen in his own Church? His own Church? A Church that brings nonbelievers closer to him every week?" How? Won't this just scare everybody away from him? Won't this make people angry and doubtful of His very presence. A part of me began to feel connected to Crossroads for the first time. I wanted to be there for the Church.

Then I heard the most beautiful thing at service this past weekend. It wasn't about all of the guilt everybody was feeling, all the shame, all the desires of the staff to just run away and never come back. It was the story of Keri's family who the day of her death came to the church and blessed the staff, held them in their arms and told them it wasn't there fault.

That was beautiful. That was God.

So now I'm feeling a little bit scared because if God wasn't the one to make this happen, who was? And for the first time I actually believe there may be a devil. He was trying his dang hardest to make something bad happen in a church so full of goodness and in front of hundreds of likely nonbelievers or maybe believers. Oh what horror and what a spectacle for him to cause. People would surely run.

And then I am reminded of the family again. Keri fell, yes, but Jesus came and picked her up and brought her to heaven. She had ascended in the church, ascended in front of hundreds. The family reassured the staff that God was there.

How beautiful. How strong. How truly with God this family is. No matter if they start to doubt in the next few months or years or feel bitter against Crossroads they have showed a truly wonderful strength that only God could give.

This trumps the devil's work. Hands down.

Christmas is coming....

....fast.

I have so much to do.

Tucker is now 31#, going to puppy classes and going through some sort of stage of fear. He won't walk past the new refridgerator, is petrified of Miranda (my little moody cat), and spent 3 nights crying his eyes out last week. Classes are ok except he is super hyper. He won't concentrate longer than a minute but when the instructor is nearby he is all ears, sitting up straight, ready to perform. What a brown noser!

As for Christmas things are more together than last year. I have a big tree this year. No more Charlie Browner! Christmas gifts are mostly bought and wrapped but there are still a few gifts to buy and they are always the hardest. It's epsecially hard to buy for somebody who just got married and was showered with gifts.

Todd and I are heading to Buffalo for Christmas. It seems so far away but it is only 2 weeks. Time is flying. I am only a tad worried because Todd is not able to buy much this Christmas for others and my family will likely expect something small. They won't be too upset with nothing but seeing they got him something they will likely compare him to my brother's girlfriend Nikki (who gets each of us a gift for Christmas).

I wish Todd would find a job he enjoyed. He was always in a good mood when he was at GE. He was talkative and awake and always motivated to work hard. Now he is always tired and unmotivated unless I say something. I hate saying something. It makes me feel like a nag. He has so much to give. He really does. I pray that he finds a job that is stable and enjoyable in the next 2 months. I also pray he doesn't lose the current job he has due to the economic hardtimes everybody is facing at this time.

As for the new year....we'll see what happens.

November, already???

So it's November and time is just flying by as we approach 2009. That's good, I think.

I am in my last day of a ten day sprint of working my butt off with 3 recent trips to Boston, South Carolina and Athens (Ohio that is) in a 3 week period. This weekend I head to Buffalo.

I am tired needless to say. And cranky. I need a vacation.

Tucker is the meantime has grown to be 28#. He is losing teeth, got neutered this week, went to daycare last week and now has a cough. He is tired too.

Poor us.

From Boston

Ok so time has flown and this month had been awesome until the dreaded Board exam which I took for the second time yesterday. I have two big issues with this exam:

1. Obvious issue--I failed last year. Obvious. But then this year I come back and study maybe not my butt off but WAY more than I did last year. I worked on the test taking skills all week and then crammed in more info the day before. I felt smarter than I ever had--until the test when I realized that I didn't know enough cardiology, nephrology, orthopedics, ENT. Massacred again. Again. And if you fail two years in a row then what happens? Has it ever happened? Will I lose my job? How will I live with myself.

Now I know that the exam isn't everything but it is in some way validating that I am a good physician. I know I am good with the patients. I know the stuff I need to know. But I can't pass the Board exam. All my life I passed tests until now. What's wrong with me? I am unsure of how I will handle this situation come January when the results arrive.

2. The future. Of course if I lose my job the future is pretty much in the air. I am sure there are people who will still hire a non board certified physician as long as they have somebody working for them. Things will work out moneywise I am sure. I trust that that will happen. I always have but this trust is a little more challenging. I do trust though. I am always able to work in other ways. And if I fail the Boards and lose my job I have plenty of time to just study 24-7 while working some part time job in between. I don't need that driveway anyways. Saving for a half year off work may be more worthwhile.

Also I worry that if I do fail again my future is on hold. I have been with Todd now for 15 months and we should start taking more steps forward. I have been holding back because of the failure notice back in January. I now have to wait till January again before I find out anything. I am ready to move forward but another failure means I really need to buckle down and focus only on medicine again. No planning for the future. I will give myself only one more chance to pass and after that it'll be a complete change of pace for me....whatever that may be. But I really wish that I could spend a year thinking about myself and planning for a future in my relationship. I really do. Now all I need to do is tell Todd,

I am in Boston still and still have this weight over my shoulders. I am unable to just let loose. I have loved my time here and my friends for being so supportive but my mind is so focused on how I am going to survive when the results come in January.

There are so many worse things that could happen. I am healthy, my parents or family or even close friends are all well, I own a nice home, I have a great family, my friends have been the dearest friends ever this past week and always, I am able to buy a thing or two extra sometimes. I have worked hard and have made it this far. I really have accomplished much. I am blessed. I just wish I could get over the fact that sometimes life is not perfect and this is small, so small.

But in my head and in the heads of others it seems so big.

Where has the time gone?

I cannot believe that October is tomorrow. Where did the time go? This year has been so short and so fast. The only reason I can come up with is that I was sick for the first 4 months. I worked and slept and that's about it. Those months were a waste.

But now I know I am completeky healthy. Not to say that I still worry about my heart but everything came back normal! The flutters just come and go now and I try very hard not to think about them. But I still can't help thinking that my family history does not prove promising for me or any of my siblings.

On another note the world is falling apart in front of my eyes. The economy is collapsing and the people are soon to follow. I am lucky to have a job that is always needed but I can only imagine that as people lose jobs and then lose their health insurance they will not come in to our office but end up in the ED on their death bed. Or they may come in to the office but (as they already do now) they won't fill their prescription because they "don't have the money." More people will do drugs, become alcoholics, abuse their children. We are screwed.

However who knows if I will still have a job if I fail this stinkin' Boards exam again. It is so frustrating that I can study my brains out but still not do well. I'm always scoring 60%. I need to work harder on my test taking skills but right now I am working on the details so that if there are any give away questions I will get them right. We shall see.

As for the next 2 weeks they are pack full of wedding stuff and studying, not to mention getting ready for the big trip to Boston. Not sure how everything will work out but I pray it will and am working hard to fit everything into my schedule.

October is another one of those months that will fly by. I am hoping it takes its time though because I really want to savor all of the memories that will be made this month.

Follow-up

Ok Ok Ok....I've been away for awhile. Here's why...

I got a new puppy! He was 2 months old the day I got him, 6#6oz. That was August 21. You may think I am crazy....and yes I am. But he is so cute.

See? You can't resist that face. He does drive me crazy at times but I have to remember he is just a puppy and can't be perfect....although right now he is pretty darn close!

But yes I am crazy because as of last post I was having heart palpitations and seeing they are most likely due to stress, a puppy was not going to help. I think, though, that he has distracted me from all the fluttering in my chest and in that way is good. Distraction is key.

I did call my doctor. She was on vacation that day. I asked for some reassurance from the nurse on the phone and she told me that no matter what she told the doctor he was going to want me to come in. I got an appointment that day!

In the office I felt stupid....I am a physician but act like a patient. I do this so I don't get all cocky like I've experienced with other physician parents. This doctor said it was likely stress but he should do a complete workup. His complete workup included much more than I ever imagined and didn't include a thyroid level. I had no balls to ask if he could check my thyroid because that would be stepping over the line in my head. Ugh.

So first I went to get some labs done. They took blood from both arms and filled 6 or more tubes. I left there begging for some blood back.

Then I had a holter monitor. They placed stickies all over me and sent me off for the day to monitor my heart. Crazy thing was it was Labor Day weekend....not very stressful and very little activity inside my chest. The hardest part of it was taking those darn stickies off. They weren't so sticky....more like cemented to my body.

My doctor came back from vacation and called me with the results. She said I had a bunch of PACs (about 200 or so) and few PVCs throughout the day. She asked me to stop drinking caffeine. That was funny.

Then she said all the labs were normal but she thought I still needed one more lab done to check my thyroid! No...really??? Then I felt like a complete idiot for just not asking in the first place because that meant I had to go back to that damn lab and give them more of my blood when they already got plenty of it.

Yesterday was the last test....my echocardiogram. I had one about 4 years ago when I became a patient of my current doctor because she was the first one (besides myself) to hear my murmur. This time I had to go to Christ Hospital for it. I was the first patient of the day---in and out! The tech remained poker faced throughout the study. I hate that. I want to yell--"Give me some clue as to what you are seeing." I tried reading the echo myself but ended up just making myself see things that probably weren't there. So now I wait for the results. I am expecting that little has changed since the last echo. MVP tends to be very benign and usually doesn't progress.

Simply stress. Simply stress. Simply stress.

What should I do?

Ok....so sometimes being a physician stinks because I know too much. Here's what's going on:

I have mitral valve prolapse and pulmonic stenosis--diagnosed 4 years ago but I've probably had these 2 murmurs my whole life. No biggie right?

Then over the last couple of weeks I have had more frequent heart palpitations. I've always been able to feel them every once in a blue moon but over the last couple of weeks they are much more frequent. I have to cough to make my chest feel better. They usually take place when I am sitting around. I feel like they could be due to stress because as my last 2 entries have indicated---I have been stressed.

Now I'm not so stressed. I have a new puppy! The volunteer project is over! Things are being checked off my list. But I still feel the palpitations.

Now most palpitations are normal....I am a doctor and I know this but I can't get out of my head the risk factors I have for something more serious:

1. my MVP and PS
2. my recent gum infection
3. my recent joint pain

All of these together can indicate something much more serious--endocarditis. An infection of the heart valve. But I don't have fever so I think I am fine....but what if???

So now I feel like I should call my doctor but I don't want to look stupid. I've also been losing a lot of hair lately--could this be stress too or something like hypo/hyperthyroidism???

Aaaargh. I can't stop thinking about it. And it's probably just stress. If I call it will make me feel better either way....so I should just do that. I am human, not superhuman.

Anxiety part 2

This project is going to last forever the way things are going. Another week of painting and still not finished. I just went to check out the place and there are spots that are still yellow through the blue too.....major problem.

The center is a little disappointed in us. I would be too but we are doing it for free. I am sick of calling in orders every week for paint and supplies and people. What a mess! I feel like running away from this project but I can't. People know where I am. I just wish it would go away and get done and look great.

I am trying to figure out the reason for this mishap. What could it be? We are doing good and all we are getting is bad news. One day extra of painting I understand....but two extra and who knows what else? Ugh.

I wish I could say "I am done." I really really do.

Anxiety

Lately I have been overcome with anxiety. My heart rate is >120, my body is always tense, I've started coughing and I'm not even sick. I am anxious. And all this anxiety is over a volunteer project--something I don't get paid for. And here's the thing. I like being involved. I love helping out, but planning this last even has made me crazy.

The only thing getting me through right now is Todd. He is gentle and patient and kind at all times. I'm not sure how he does it. And he still likes me with all the stress I bring to the relationship....the baggage if you will.

He is a safety net, really. He is not always funny, he's not always able to understand me, he sometimes annoys me but all in all he makes me feel safe.

And this morning his car was broken into in my driveway. My reaction would have been panic, yelling, crying. Instead he came upstairs and asked me when I came to bed, told me gently that his car was broken into and that they had taken his radio and change, that he had called the cops and that everything else around the house looked fine. That was that. I asked a couple of questions and went back to sleep. He had taken care of everything and was at peace. How does that happen?

Anxious vs understanding. High strung vs calm. That is me and Todd. It's a good fit. I just always worry (of course) that my anxiety will break us both. The one thing I do like is that we are both very real with each other. There is no faking happiness or showing off. It's just us. Simply.

Now for a real thought

OK so here goes my first thought on screen:

I don't think I ever want a real wedding.

My mom wouldn't like this thought, either would some of my friends, but most of all I don't think my own boyfriend, Todd, would like this thought.

Where does it come from? I'm not sure.

When I was younger I played "Let's get married" with my brother. We'd walk down the hallway with a veil and flowers in hand, arm in arm and it always made me feel good. It made me feel so good that sometimes we would get married 3-4 times in one day.

But now I am almost 30 and don't have that feeling anymore. I am excited for my friends who get married, love helping them with some of the planning, like thinking about the honeymoon. But the actual day....I usually do not like. I hate the pictures, the church service, the reception. When I was younger I used to sit with my family at weddings and pout. They just felt so fake and so forced. I was supposed to be having fun, but I never had fun on the actual day.

The only wedding I truly enjoyed from beginning to end was my friends' Kim and Brennan. There was something different about that wedding. I enjoyed the entire weekend from rehearsal to the morning after the wedding. Of course I don't remember a good chunk of the reception but what I do remember I liked. I'm not sure why their wedding was so different.

But this I do know.....as my best friend gets married in October, as one of my good old friends, and ex, also prepares to get married in the next year I have started to feel like this whole wedding thing isn't all for me.

So I think....what do I want for my future? I want to have children, I want a companion, I want to grow old with somebody. But I don't want the fancy wedding. So I think about eloping....and then I know I would disappoint way too many people. But I would disappoint anyways because I really don't want a big wedding.

What I see, if I were to get married, is a small wedding outdoors somewhere with a few family members and friends. A cozy dinner together that night, heading off for a honeymoon for the next week and then arriving back to celebrate with everybody in a big way.

I'm pretty sure people have done this before. I need to ask them how they felt about it. I need to get some kind of drive for the whole wedding thing. All I see is the times after the wedding, not the planning and the extravagance of that one day. It seems like too much work for such a simple, yet beautiful, gesture.

These are my thoughts for now. For now.

Thoughts

I get this urge sometimes--the urge to write.

Now I do, in fact, own a journal. The only thing is it is always upstairs in my bedroom when random thoughts pop in my head. I think to myself.....I should write about this, let the thoughts complete themselves, figure out what it is behind it all. But I don't mostly because I am lazy and won't walk up the stairs just to write a few words down.

Then I think--I could blog! Oh yes blogging is wonderful. I have two blogs already. One on MySpace and the other right here. The problem with them is--everybody knows about them.
Sometimes I don't want to share my thoughts with everyone so here I am starting another blog.

Of course I write this entry as if people are reading and I guess some people may come across it in there google searches but these people I probably won't know and so this is for you. And that makes me happy.