Tuesday, October 28, 2008

From Boston

Ok so time has flown and this month had been awesome until the dreaded Board exam which I took for the second time yesterday. I have two big issues with this exam:

1. Obvious issue--I failed last year. Obvious. But then this year I come back and study maybe not my butt off but WAY more than I did last year. I worked on the test taking skills all week and then crammed in more info the day before. I felt smarter than I ever had--until the test when I realized that I didn't know enough cardiology, nephrology, orthopedics, ENT. Massacred again. Again. And if you fail two years in a row then what happens? Has it ever happened? Will I lose my job? How will I live with myself.

Now I know that the exam isn't everything but it is in some way validating that I am a good physician. I know I am good with the patients. I know the stuff I need to know. But I can't pass the Board exam. All my life I passed tests until now. What's wrong with me? I am unsure of how I will handle this situation come January when the results arrive.

2. The future. Of course if I lose my job the future is pretty much in the air. I am sure there are people who will still hire a non board certified physician as long as they have somebody working for them. Things will work out moneywise I am sure. I trust that that will happen. I always have but this trust is a little more challenging. I do trust though. I am always able to work in other ways. And if I fail the Boards and lose my job I have plenty of time to just study 24-7 while working some part time job in between. I don't need that driveway anyways. Saving for a half year off work may be more worthwhile.

Also I worry that if I do fail again my future is on hold. I have been with Todd now for 15 months and we should start taking more steps forward. I have been holding back because of the failure notice back in January. I now have to wait till January again before I find out anything. I am ready to move forward but another failure means I really need to buckle down and focus only on medicine again. No planning for the future. I will give myself only one more chance to pass and after that it'll be a complete change of pace for me....whatever that may be. But I really wish that I could spend a year thinking about myself and planning for a future in my relationship. I really do. Now all I need to do is tell Todd,

I am in Boston still and still have this weight over my shoulders. I am unable to just let loose. I have loved my time here and my friends for being so supportive but my mind is so focused on how I am going to survive when the results come in January.

There are so many worse things that could happen. I am healthy, my parents or family or even close friends are all well, I own a nice home, I have a great family, my friends have been the dearest friends ever this past week and always, I am able to buy a thing or two extra sometimes. I have worked hard and have made it this far. I really have accomplished much. I am blessed. I just wish I could get over the fact that sometimes life is not perfect and this is small, so small.

But in my head and in the heads of others it seems so big.