Ok....so sometimes being a physician stinks because I know too much. Here's what's going on:
I have mitral valve prolapse and pulmonic stenosis--diagnosed 4 years ago but I've probably had these 2 murmurs my whole life. No biggie right?
Then over the last couple of weeks I have had more frequent heart palpitations. I've always been able to feel them every once in a blue moon but over the last couple of weeks they are much more frequent. I have to cough to make my chest feel better. They usually take place when I am sitting around. I feel like they could be due to stress because as my last 2 entries have indicated---I have been stressed.
Now I'm not so stressed. I have a new puppy! The volunteer project is over! Things are being checked off my list. But I still feel the palpitations.
Now most palpitations are normal....I am a doctor and I know this but I can't get out of my head the risk factors I have for something more serious:
1. my MVP and PS
2. my recent gum infection
3. my recent joint pain
All of these together can indicate something much more serious--endocarditis. An infection of the heart valve. But I don't have fever so I think I am fine....but what if???
So now I feel like I should call my doctor but I don't want to look stupid. I've also been losing a lot of hair lately--could this be stress too or something like hypo/hyperthyroidism???
Aaaargh. I can't stop thinking about it. And it's probably just stress. If I call it will make me feel better either way....so I should just do that. I am human, not superhuman.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Monday, August 18, 2008
Anxiety part 2
This project is going to last forever the way things are going. Another week of painting and still not finished. I just went to check out the place and there are spots that are still yellow through the blue too.....major problem.
The center is a little disappointed in us. I would be too but we are doing it for free. I am sick of calling in orders every week for paint and supplies and people. What a mess! I feel like running away from this project but I can't. People know where I am. I just wish it would go away and get done and look great.
I am trying to figure out the reason for this mishap. What could it be? We are doing good and all we are getting is bad news. One day extra of painting I understand....but two extra and who knows what else? Ugh.
I wish I could say "I am done." I really really do.
The center is a little disappointed in us. I would be too but we are doing it for free. I am sick of calling in orders every week for paint and supplies and people. What a mess! I feel like running away from this project but I can't. People know where I am. I just wish it would go away and get done and look great.
I am trying to figure out the reason for this mishap. What could it be? We are doing good and all we are getting is bad news. One day extra of painting I understand....but two extra and who knows what else? Ugh.
I wish I could say "I am done." I really really do.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Anxiety
Lately I have been overcome with anxiety. My heart rate is >120, my body is always tense, I've started coughing and I'm not even sick. I am anxious. And all this anxiety is over a volunteer project--something I don't get paid for. And here's the thing. I like being involved. I love helping out, but planning this last even has made me crazy.
The only thing getting me through right now is Todd. He is gentle and patient and kind at all times. I'm not sure how he does it. And he still likes me with all the stress I bring to the relationship....the baggage if you will.
He is a safety net, really. He is not always funny, he's not always able to understand me, he sometimes annoys me but all in all he makes me feel safe.
And this morning his car was broken into in my driveway. My reaction would have been panic, yelling, crying. Instead he came upstairs and asked me when I came to bed, told me gently that his car was broken into and that they had taken his radio and change, that he had called the cops and that everything else around the house looked fine. That was that. I asked a couple of questions and went back to sleep. He had taken care of everything and was at peace. How does that happen?
Anxious vs understanding. High strung vs calm. That is me and Todd. It's a good fit. I just always worry (of course) that my anxiety will break us both. The one thing I do like is that we are both very real with each other. There is no faking happiness or showing off. It's just us. Simply.
The only thing getting me through right now is Todd. He is gentle and patient and kind at all times. I'm not sure how he does it. And he still likes me with all the stress I bring to the relationship....the baggage if you will.
He is a safety net, really. He is not always funny, he's not always able to understand me, he sometimes annoys me but all in all he makes me feel safe.
And this morning his car was broken into in my driveway. My reaction would have been panic, yelling, crying. Instead he came upstairs and asked me when I came to bed, told me gently that his car was broken into and that they had taken his radio and change, that he had called the cops and that everything else around the house looked fine. That was that. I asked a couple of questions and went back to sleep. He had taken care of everything and was at peace. How does that happen?
Anxious vs understanding. High strung vs calm. That is me and Todd. It's a good fit. I just always worry (of course) that my anxiety will break us both. The one thing I do like is that we are both very real with each other. There is no faking happiness or showing off. It's just us. Simply.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Now for a real thought
OK so here goes my first thought on screen:
I don't think I ever want a real wedding.
My mom wouldn't like this thought, either would some of my friends, but most of all I don't think my own boyfriend, Todd, would like this thought.
Where does it come from? I'm not sure.
When I was younger I played "Let's get married" with my brother. We'd walk down the hallway with a veil and flowers in hand, arm in arm and it always made me feel good. It made me feel so good that sometimes we would get married 3-4 times in one day.
But now I am almost 30 and don't have that feeling anymore. I am excited for my friends who get married, love helping them with some of the planning, like thinking about the honeymoon. But the actual day....I usually do not like. I hate the pictures, the church service, the reception. When I was younger I used to sit with my family at weddings and pout. They just felt so fake and so forced. I was supposed to be having fun, but I never had fun on the actual day.
The only wedding I truly enjoyed from beginning to end was my friends' Kim and Brennan. There was something different about that wedding. I enjoyed the entire weekend from rehearsal to the morning after the wedding. Of course I don't remember a good chunk of the reception but what I do remember I liked. I'm not sure why their wedding was so different.
But this I do know.....as my best friend gets married in October, as one of my good old friends, and ex, also prepares to get married in the next year I have started to feel like this whole wedding thing isn't all for me.
So I think....what do I want for my future? I want to have children, I want a companion, I want to grow old with somebody. But I don't want the fancy wedding. So I think about eloping....and then I know I would disappoint way too many people. But I would disappoint anyways because I really don't want a big wedding.
What I see, if I were to get married, is a small wedding outdoors somewhere with a few family members and friends. A cozy dinner together that night, heading off for a honeymoon for the next week and then arriving back to celebrate with everybody in a big way.
I'm pretty sure people have done this before. I need to ask them how they felt about it. I need to get some kind of drive for the whole wedding thing. All I see is the times after the wedding, not the planning and the extravagance of that one day. It seems like too much work for such a simple, yet beautiful, gesture.
These are my thoughts for now. For now.
I don't think I ever want a real wedding.
My mom wouldn't like this thought, either would some of my friends, but most of all I don't think my own boyfriend, Todd, would like this thought.
Where does it come from? I'm not sure.
When I was younger I played "Let's get married" with my brother. We'd walk down the hallway with a veil and flowers in hand, arm in arm and it always made me feel good. It made me feel so good that sometimes we would get married 3-4 times in one day.
But now I am almost 30 and don't have that feeling anymore. I am excited for my friends who get married, love helping them with some of the planning, like thinking about the honeymoon. But the actual day....I usually do not like. I hate the pictures, the church service, the reception. When I was younger I used to sit with my family at weddings and pout. They just felt so fake and so forced. I was supposed to be having fun, but I never had fun on the actual day.
The only wedding I truly enjoyed from beginning to end was my friends' Kim and Brennan. There was something different about that wedding. I enjoyed the entire weekend from rehearsal to the morning after the wedding. Of course I don't remember a good chunk of the reception but what I do remember I liked. I'm not sure why their wedding was so different.
But this I do know.....as my best friend gets married in October, as one of my good old friends, and ex, also prepares to get married in the next year I have started to feel like this whole wedding thing isn't all for me.
So I think....what do I want for my future? I want to have children, I want a companion, I want to grow old with somebody. But I don't want the fancy wedding. So I think about eloping....and then I know I would disappoint way too many people. But I would disappoint anyways because I really don't want a big wedding.
What I see, if I were to get married, is a small wedding outdoors somewhere with a few family members and friends. A cozy dinner together that night, heading off for a honeymoon for the next week and then arriving back to celebrate with everybody in a big way.
I'm pretty sure people have done this before. I need to ask them how they felt about it. I need to get some kind of drive for the whole wedding thing. All I see is the times after the wedding, not the planning and the extravagance of that one day. It seems like too much work for such a simple, yet beautiful, gesture.
These are my thoughts for now. For now.
Thoughts
I get this urge sometimes--the urge to write.
Now I do, in fact, own a journal. The only thing is it is always upstairs in my bedroom when random thoughts pop in my head. I think to myself.....I should write about this, let the thoughts complete themselves, figure out what it is behind it all. But I don't mostly because I am lazy and won't walk up the stairs just to write a few words down.
Then I think--I could blog! Oh yes blogging is wonderful. I have two blogs already. One on MySpace and the other right here. The problem with them is--everybody knows about them.
Sometimes I don't want to share my thoughts with everyone so here I am starting another blog.
Of course I write this entry as if people are reading and I guess some people may come across it in there google searches but these people I probably won't know and so this is for you. And that makes me happy.
Now I do, in fact, own a journal. The only thing is it is always upstairs in my bedroom when random thoughts pop in my head. I think to myself.....I should write about this, let the thoughts complete themselves, figure out what it is behind it all. But I don't mostly because I am lazy and won't walk up the stairs just to write a few words down.
Then I think--I could blog! Oh yes blogging is wonderful. I have two blogs already. One on MySpace and the other right here. The problem with them is--everybody knows about them.
Sometimes I don't want to share my thoughts with everyone so here I am starting another blog.
Of course I write this entry as if people are reading and I guess some people may come across it in there google searches but these people I probably won't know and so this is for you. And that makes me happy.
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